i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
