I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
