So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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