ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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