one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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