WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
