I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
