It was confusing and full of hummus
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
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After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
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People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
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