when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
