So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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