please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Randomize
