i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Randomize
