I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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