My brain says no but my pants say off.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
