today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
