I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
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