Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
Randomize
