so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
