My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
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Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
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I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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