you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
