Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
