Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
