I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
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You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I want a musical about memes.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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