Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize