A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
