At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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