i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
