i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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