Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
It's no shave November. This is our time.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Randomize
