if i died would you start the facebook group?
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
