woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Randomize
