just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Did we literally take a cab across the street
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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