After last night, I could never be a politician.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
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