so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
