you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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