halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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