She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Randomize
