I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Randomize
