omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
