If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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