It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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