Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
