I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
