I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
