you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
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