I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Panties = found
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
