I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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