it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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