Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
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