and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
