I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
