Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Randomize
