I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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