Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
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We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
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do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
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