I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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