any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
