This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
