Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Randomize
