three words: i give head
three words: not that well
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
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